Bob's Diner

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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]

2022-01-26 00:23:33

Last author: Mortified Penguin
Owner: Sagacious Turkey

# of watchers: 286

D20: 11

Wiki-page rating	Stumble!
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(Formerly Chuck's)

^{Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]

.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,

ain't no place finer!

The food is good,

we're always in tha 'hood,

and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!

This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee

and the [pixish] art committee

_{by [Teufelsweib]}}

Menu:

Show content

|Da menyou|

<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>

^{_{Breakfast

1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50

2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20

3. Hash Browns $1.00

4. Hash Greens $1.00

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00

6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50

7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50

8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25

9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)

10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

Lunch

1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19

2. hamburger & fries $4.00

3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24

4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00

6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99

7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82

8. La Ham and cheese $2.30

9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour

10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour

11. sirloin $6.00

12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00

13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99

14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00

15. fried Alley Gator $5.00

16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50

17. Poo Stew $2.25

18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50

19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25

20. Roasted n00b $4.00

21. Bloody Rock $1.50

22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75

23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50

24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12

25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50

26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00

27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00

28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50

29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!

30.

31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75

32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25

33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00

34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00

35. Ground beef Carl $3.25

36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99

37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..

38. viagra pill $300

39. gobbler....?

40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00

41. hootchie cootchie $2.00

42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00

43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90

44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50

45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)

47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5

48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99

49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!

50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!

51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

Appetizers

1. half a cracker $1,000,000

2. Bloody Rock $1.50

3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00

4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))

5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25

6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50

7. Cooked Sushi $4.50

8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01

9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))

10. Bowl of tears $.50

11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50

12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50

13. Corn on the toes $1.50

14. cooked sushi $2.00

15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER

16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy

17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1

17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])

19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]

20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00

21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)

22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.

23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.

24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

Dinner

1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10

2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....

3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75

4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone

5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50

6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...

7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.

8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)

9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00

10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0

11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)

12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00

13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

Dessert

1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00

2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00

3. artichoke pie $1.50

4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75

5. Iced ice $0.50

6. Glazed rocks $0.75

7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00

8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75

9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00

10. "Cow Pie" $2.00

11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50

12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2

13. "apple sauce" $1

14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?

15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000

16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50

17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box

18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box

19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50

20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)

21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)

22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)

23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

Drinks

1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00

2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00

4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00

5. liquid lard $1.00

6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95

7. goat milk $1.00

8. watered down tea $1.00

9. Turkey Milk $1.00

10. A Pint of Blood $0.50

11. A Quart of Blood $1.00

12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50

13. Rat Milk $1.00

14. Snow Coco $1.00

15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)

16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound

17. A "booty" shake $6.66

18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.

19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick

20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)

21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00

22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie}}

Bob's Diner Status Report:
_{Bob's Diner Status Report
^{All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].}

Year

04/05

05/06

06/07

07/08

08/09

09/10

10/11

11/12

12/13

13/14

14/15

15/16

16/17

17/18

18/19

19/20

20/21

Comments

9709

3870

3065

5676

4309

2879

5259

1697

0984

0756

0394

0177

0384

1677

0471

0285

0118

Average

26.6 cpd

10.6 cpd

08.4 cpd

15.5 cpd

11.8 cpd

07.9 cpd

14.4 cpd

04.7 cpd

02.7 cpd

02.1 cpd

01.1 cpd

00.5 cpd

01.1 cpd

04.6 cpd

01.3 cpd

00.8 cpd

00.3 cpd

Total Comments

09709

13579

16644

22320

26666

29545

34804

36501

37484

38240

38634

38839

39223

40900

41371

41656

41774

Total Average

26.6 cpd/9709 cpy

18.6 cpd/6789 cpy

15.2 cpd/5548 cpy

15.3 cpd/5580 cpy

14.6 cpd/5333 cpy

13.5 cpd/4924 cpy

13.6 cpd/4972 cpy

12.5 cpd/4563 cpy

11.4 cpd/4165 cpy

10.5 cpd/3824 cpy

09.6 cpd/3512 cpy

08.9 cpd/3237 cpy

08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

08.0 cpd/2921 cpy

07.6 cpd/2758 cpy

07.1 cpd/2604 cpy

06.7 cpd/2457 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since The End of the Last Friscal Year

Since B's D's Founding}

Friscal Reports:

Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

_{Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.

   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.

   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)}

^{_{Previous B's D}}

^{_{By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.}}

2018-08-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: I tried to help spamming, but furries are really mean. :(

2018-08-19 gay: The hell is this, do you just spam furry servers

2018-08-19 gay: Donald Trump rapes kids

2018-08-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: Yes, they have the funniest reactions.

2018-08-19 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-08-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: I keep getting rudely banned from places. :(

2018-08-20 [Yuriona]: *emerges from broom closet and dumps lego barf all over the floor from her scrub pail* Hey! Did you know there's a warp tunnel in the broom closet??

2018-08-20 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, that's where we usually dump bodies/Misty.

2018-08-20 [Glassphyxie.]:

2018-08-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Yup, that's Misty.

2018-08-21 [Yuriona]: Just how many bodies does Misty have?? I'm fairly certain the walls were lined with them. O_o

2018-08-21 [Mortified Penguin]: It only took one to insulate the place. Now we're out of space and have to feed the rest of the bodies to that Misty over there. *points at a massive, grotesque blob pulsating in the corner*

*it gurgles something about "Solo" and "the wookie" before vomiting on itself and passing out in its own filth*

2018-08-21 [Mortified Penguin]: *quick draws his revolver and guns down two new Mistys walking in through the saloon doors*

*a third Misty lumbers in and starts chewing on the bodies, before getting blasted as well*

2018-08-23 [Pied Crow]: Hm, interessant besonders... How do things other than furries respond to your spam?

2018-08-23 [Sagacious Turkey]: They usually just mock the autistic and cringy roleplaying with asterisks (as well they should!) and then tell me to kill myself. They also claim B's D is just "lolrandumb" humor that isn't funny. BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE. IT'S FUNNY SOMETIMES, DAMMIT. I DISTINCTLY RECALL SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING FUNNY IN 2009!!

*punches a passing Misty really hard in the gut*

2018-08-23 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-08-23 [Mortified Penguin]: EIGHT DAYS (a week)!

2018-08-24 [Nuktae-tal]: I'm drunk! On vacation!!! Wheeeeeees spinny!

2018-08-24 [Pied Crow]: Hey, I think I hear a penguin singing in the dead of night!

2018-08-24 [Mortified Penguin]: It's just an elementary penguin, singing Hare Krishna. *kicks Edgar Allan Poe*

2018-08-24 [Mortified Penguin]: ...wait, what?! You don't have any vacation days left, you used them all up that time your entire family died and you took that afternoon off!

I'm going to have to heavily dock [Pillowthief]'s pay for this, he's a terrible supervisor. *starts cleaning his docking knife*

2018-08-26 [Nuktae-tal]: And now I'm home!

2018-08-27 [Pied Crow]: How do we know it's not the supervisor's super's fault?

2018-08-28 [Mortified Penguin]: That would also be [Pillowthief]. *starts cleaning a second knife*

2018-08-28 [Pied Crow]: So, you're going to dock his pay twice, is that it?

2018-08-29 [Pied Crow]: Hmmm, despite the urgency for comments, my clarification was met with silence... *note, note*

2018-08-29 [Mortified Penguin]: *glares and starts cleaning a third knife*

2018-08-29 [Mortified Penguin]: We still have two whole days. That's plenty of time to get another 600 comments.

2018-08-30 [Pied Crow]: With bells on our talons, Mort-bird!

2018-08-30 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-08-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1535646353.jpg>

2018-08-30 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-08-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1535646436.jpg>

2018-08-30 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-08-31 [Pied Crow]: Nevermind about the bells thing. I tried to find some, but the guy thought I wanted piercings on my face.

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Wait, so now you don't want your face pierced?! Ugh... *annoyedly unplugs his power saw and throws it back into the soup*

I'm still charging you full price...

*starts cleaning his debt collection scythe*

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: SIX HOURS UNTIL THE END OF THE FRISCAL YEAR! *disappears for ten days*

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: FOUR HOURS AND FIFTY MINUTES!

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: FOUR HOURS AND FORTY-NINE MINUTES!!

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: TWO HOURS! Also, five minutes.

2018-08-31 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-08-31 [Sagacious Turkey]: There's some classy content.

2018-08-31 [Sagacious Turkey]: You're welcome, you disgusting perverts. *spits at Misty*

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Hmm, only 40892 comments before this comment. Should probably raise that up to 40900 in the next 40 minutes...

2018-08-31 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: 40895

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: 40896!

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: 40896.5!!

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: 40898...

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: 40899...!

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Last comment of the friscal year. Unless someone else comments in the next one minute...!

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: And now it's next year... You've all been major disappointments to me. I hate you all.

2018-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Here's a chart with numbers and words and stuff:

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1535751999.png>

2018-09-01 [Pied Crow]: Eh? Timezones are lame.

2018-09-01 [Nuktae-tal]: That is a very impressive chart may I say!

2018-09-01 [Mortified Penguin]: Right? I worked really, really hard on it.

2018-09-01 [Mortified Penguin]: LIVE IN A CORRECT TIMEZONE, WHORE.

2018-09-01 [Pied Crow]: Well, oh, well, well, well... It can't be helped.

2018-09-01 [Mortified Penguin]: Jersey is a garbage state anyway. Nobody likes the North, you're all traitors to the Confederacy.

2018-09-01 [Mortified Penguin]: And you don't even make sweet tea properly! And you eat bagels instead of biscuits! You disgust me!

2018-09-02 [Pied Crow]: But...when in doubt, guess New Jersey!

2018-09-02 [Pied Crow]: Neat. We were twenty away from the 11/12 year. The rounded number is a nice touch, though. Really ties the place together.

2018-09-03 [Nuktae-tal]: That is a nice feature as well! Man it's good to be here again!

2018-09-04 [Mortified Penguin]: Nah, this place sucks. *kicks over a barstool*

2018-09-04 [Mortified Penguin]: It's Crow's alleged birthday! *places a birthday candle into a can of cat food*

*eats the entire can by himself and curls up in the fireplace for a nap*

2018-09-04 [Pied Crow]: That's right! I expect a collection of dragon statues by the end of the day!

2018-09-05 [Yuriona]: *offers musty dragon aquarium statue complete with dried on algae*

2018-09-05 [Mortified Penguin]: *hands over a grotesque, repulsive, and apparently very ancient stone statuette whose origin was Bob's Thrift Hovel (Now currently overstocked on broken ceiling fans! Buy twelve, get one free!!). The statuette is between seven and eight inches in height, and of exquisitely artistic workmanship. It represents a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face is a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seems instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, is of a somewhat bloated corpulence (like Misty), and squats evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered with undecipherable characters. The tips of the wings touch the back edge of the block, the seat occupies the centre, whilst the long, curved claws of the doubled-up, crouching hind legs grip the front edge and extend a quarter of the way down toward the bottom of the pedestal. The cephalopod head is bent forward, so that the ends of the facial feelers brush the backs of huge fore paws which clasp the croucher's elevated knees. The aspect of the whole is abnormally life-like, and the more subtly fearful because its source is Bob's Thrift Hovel (Now selling haunted mattresses!). Its vast, awesome, and incalculable age is unmistakable; yet not one link does it shew with any known type of art belonging to civilisation's youth - or indeed to any other time. Totally separate and apart, its very material is a mystery; for the soapy, greenish-black stone with its golden or iridescent flecks and striations resemble nothing familiar to geology or mineralogy or corn shuckin'. The characters along the base are equally baffling; and no Elftown member present, despite a representation of half the world's expert learning in corn shuckin', can form the least notion of even their remotest linguistic kinship. They, like the subject and material, belong to something horribly remote and distinct from mankind as we know it. Something frightfully suggestive of old and unhallowed cycles of life in which our world and our conceptions have no part (especially [Yuriona]'s conceptions, she's just an ignorant corn shucker)*

2018-09-06 [Nuktae-tal]: Huh... thsys a lot of words

2018-09-06 [Sagacious Turkey]: NO U

2018-09-06 [Pied Crow]: ... Wh... Mort-bird--! It's... It's beautiful!

2018-09-06 [Nuktae-tal]: Too much though?

2018-09-07 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, it probably was too much. I mean... $0.25 for some stupid looking squid dragon statue?! DAMN YOU, BOB'S THRIFT HOVEL!

*snatches it back from Crow and punts it out the window and in through the window of Bob's Thrift Hovel across the street*

2018-09-07 [Pied Crow]: Nooooooooo!!!! I was going to say something, but the site blew up before l could say it!! D:

2018-09-07 [Pied Crow]: Well, at least I got you...

*caresses the musty dragon aquarium statue*

2018-09-07 [Mortified Penguin]: How dare you accuse [Elftron] of such things?!

*slaps the aquarium statue out of your hand*

2018-09-07 [Yuriona]: Wow. That was exquisitely detailed in description. Almost as though the author truly wished the reader to have the clearest image painted in their mind's eye. Dragon style Cthulhu. Nice.

_{curse you. i saw it with ridiculous clarity despite merely skimming the contents for fear of having the irrepressible urge to draw it. curse you again, you wickedly devious devil you. *shakes fist*}

2018-09-07 [Mortified Penguin]: You hush, corn shucker!

2018-09-08 [Yuriona]: Hush yourself! Corn shucking is an honourable occupation!

2018-09-08 [Pied Crow]: WHAT HANDS?!?!

2018-09-08 [Mortified Penguin]: Hand. I said hand.

2018-09-08 [Pied Crow]: ... Ah. So it is true.

WHAT HAND?!?!

*flaps wing(s)*

2018-09-08 [Pied Crow]: Oh, and when you draw that, [Yuriona], please share...!

2018-09-09 [Nuktae-tal]: Yeah I wanna see it too!

2018-09-11 [Mortified Penguin]: YEAH! *shoves Yuriona*

2018-09-11 [Yuriona]: Well there would be no point to drawing it and hiding it. Unless it was awful. Or drawn in crayon. On a soiled napkin from Bob's diner. *is shoved and trips over the mummified bovine carcass in the middle of the floor*

2018-09-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Who said you were allowed to make Misty jokes?!

2018-09-11 [Sheamus Finn]: What? I thought Misty jokes were intellectual free use! *hides list of Misty jokes so no one can sue*

2018-09-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Nope, I'm the copyright holder. It's $60 a joke. However, do feel free to strike her all you want, they wouldn't let me register the concept of violence against her.

2018-09-12 [Nuktae-tal]: *punches Mort in the snozz*

2018-09-12 [Mortified Penguin]: MY HUGE JEW NOSE!! I'll sue you!

2018-09-12 [Nuktae-tal]: Bring it I have lawmen on my side!

2018-09-13 [Pied Crow]: Ooh, which kind of reference will they go with? Law & Order? Blue Bloods? JAG? Ace Attorney?!

2018-09-13 [Mortified Penguin]: *the case lingers in litigation for 15 years, before a judge eventually throws it out for being "stupid" and "not even a real case"*

2018-09-13 [Mortified Penguin]: I knew we should have just used The Courts of Elftown instead... *shrugs and eats ramen*

2018-09-13 [Nuktae-tal]: *steals wheelchair from child* yeah... always takes too long otherwise

2018-09-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Why couldn't you have told me that back then?! Great, and someone left the door unlocked 15 years ago and somebody stole my sandwich. And nobody left any food in Crow's cage... *points at the pile of rotted bones in the microwave*

2018-09-15 [Pied Crow]: Heck is wrong with you?! It's a hundred years and fifteen days too early to be thinking about Halloween!

*rattles*

2018-09-17 [Mortified Penguin]: SHUT UP IN THERE, BIRD. *turns the microwave on and goes back to hanging up Christmas decorations*

2018-09-17 [Nuktae-tal]: Oh crap... right... holloween... *unstuffs the pinata*

2018-09-18 [Mortified Penguin]: That was a turkey I worked really hard on... And now there's stuffing all over the shag carpet... *gives Nuk a 20% raise*

2018-09-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: *lies spread eagle, trussed up on the counter*

Oh yeah, now restuff me, daddy!

*his father simply shakes his head disapprovingly and washes a fist full of painkillers down with some bourbon*

2018-09-19 [Pied Crow]: Do not try hard to think that the turkey is an eagle.

2018-09-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: A bald eagle, to be specific. A Golden Eagle with Alopecia, to be specificer.

2018-09-21 [Nuktae-tal]: That's very specific *uses magnifying glass*

2018-09-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop burning ants and get back to work burning the lunch specials! *throws a sack of spiders at Nuk*

2018-09-22 [Nuktae-tal]: *pulls out tiny whip and forces spiders to make awesome table clothes*

2018-09-25 [Pied Crow]: ........... Oh! Table clothes! That's a good point, tables are always showing their leg. How indecent!

2018-09-26 [Nuktae-tal]: Yeah Mort keeps getting overly excited about them... *pulls up sexy spider stocking, to cover the sexy table legs*

2018-10-03 [Sheamus Finn]: Wait, they need boots...perhaps thigh (do tables have thighs?) high ones....with buckles....

2018-10-03 [Pied Crow]: I have a footstool that wears shoes, but I've never noticed or considered thighs.

2018-10-03 [Mortified Penguin]: Weirdo. I'm constantly considering thighs.

2018-10-04 [Nuktae-tal]: *puts tiny lacy garter belts on Table thighs*

2018-10-09 [Nuktae-tal]: I'm posting again to try and improve the quota that no one else seems to care aboutlately.

2018-10-09 [Pied Crow]: Quota? To heck with quotas! I don't have to fill you any stinkin' quotas!

2018-10-09 [Nuktae-tal]: *starts shoving ballots down the Crow's throat* QUOTA!!!!!!

2018-10-09 [Pied Crow]: And just one more thing, sir, I have garbblwoblbaumbblgobblommmphballot

2018-10-09 [Nuktae-tal]: *climbs down and wipes sweaty brow with Crow's feathers* Hard days work that. *clocks out*

2018-10-09 [Yuriona]: Time for the night shift. *clocks in* Damn. She only filled half of his quota. *continues shoving ballots down the Crow's throat*

2018-10-09 [Sheamus Finn]: Wait let me help!! *Starts shoving from the other end*

2018-10-09 [Mortified Penguin]: *starts stabbing huge holes in Crow's gut to fit more ballots*

2018-10-10 [Pied Crow]: Ow!!! My eye!

2018-10-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop overexaggerating! Your eye is fine!

*points at the eye floating in the soup on the other side of the room and goes back to the brutal stabbing*

2018-10-10 [Nuktae-tal]: *watched season bazententeen of psych.* hahaha oh robot spencer!

2018-10-10 [Pied Crow]: Hey, look over there! Someone removed themselves from your list of members!

... Er, I mean to say... Ow, my liver! Ow, my lasagna!

2018-10-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Your lasagna is fine...

*points at Misty's corpse*

2018-10-10 [Sagacious Turkey]: ROBOT SPENCER SUCKS! *punts him right square in the lug nuts*

2018-10-11 [Yuriona]: That's going to leave a dent.

2018-10-11 [Pied Crow]: Uh, can we wrap this lovely excursion up? I need to head over to Gary's soon to get the paper.

2018-10-11 [Yuriona]: Well I'm all out of legal ballots. I still have some Russian ones left.

2018-10-11 [Sheamus Finn]: I have a couple dozen parking tickets

2018-10-12 [Mortified Penguin]: And I have 4 tons of gravel and cement.

2018-10-12 [Pied Crow]: On second thought, maybe you should use some scalding hot oil...

2018-10-12 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, yeah. Sure, buddy. We'll get right on that.

*starts motioning for the cement truck to back up closer*

2018-10-17 [Pied Crow]: I'll accept this cement if you...squeeze it out of me later with that truck. How's that sound?

2018-10-18 [Nuktae-tal]: NO IT'S MINE! *Shoves Crow out of the way and opens sack to catch Cement as it begins to pour out.*

2018-10-19 [Pied Crow]: And after all I've been through! It's a surprise, to be sure.

2018-10-27 [Mortified Penguin]: *a customer comes in...!!*

2018-10-28 [Yuriona]: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat??!!??!

2018-10-28 [Pied Crow]: D'goh, you're just saying that because I used up one of my jokes too soon.

2018-10-28 [Mortified Penguin]: *the customer pulls out a knife and starts stabbing Crow, for obvious reasons*

2018-10-29 [Pied Crow]: Did you expect anything less?! Ow.

2018-10-29 [Nuktae-tal]: *Grabs spare spoon* ON GUARD! *clangs on pots, for no real resin*

2018-10-29 [Mortified Penguin]: I EXPECTED A LOT LESS! *grabs the spare/only spoon and also starts stabbing Crow*

STOP MAKING ME STAB YOU SO MUCH, I'M TRYING TO TAKE INVENTORY OF ALL THE SPOONS!

2018-10-29 [Yuriona]: Here's one. *hands Mort random spoon* Found it in the broom closet.

2018-10-30 [Pied Crow]: All this silverware is getting tiresome... Can we start stabbing me with a mouth?

2018-10-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *snaps off Misty's jawbone and resumes brutally stabbing Crow with the jagged, rotting fangs*

2018-10-31 [Pied Crow]: Hm... I've been thinking... This stuff hurts, man.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—

2018-10-31 [Nuktae-tal]: OH LOOK A PUPPY!!! *pets a rotting meatloaf*

2018-10-31 [Mortified Penguin]: *the meatloaf wags its tail excitedly*

2018-10-31 [Nuktae-tal]: SO FREAKING CUTE! ^W^!!!!!!!

2018-11-01 [Pied Crow]: X_x

2018-11-01 [Mortified Penguin]: SHUT THE HELL UP, WE'RE FOCUSING ON THIS CUTE MEATLOAF NOW! *kicks Crow's corpse in the ribs*

*tosses Misty's jawbone to the meatloaf, who barks happily and starts chewing it*

2018-11-01 [Nuktae-tal]: I WILL GET YOU MORE BONES IMMEDIATELY! *PLunges hand into Mort's chest to pull out a floating rib.* HERE YOU GO PUPPY!!!

2018-11-02 [Pied Crow]: Ow, my neck!

2018-11-02 [Mortified Penguin]: Ow, his neck!

2018-11-03 [Pied Crow]: Ow, your floating rib!

2018-11-03 [Yuriona]: *adds bbq sauce to rib*

2018-11-05 [Pied Crow]: Is bbq sauce okay for meatloaf puppies?

2018-11-05 [Yuriona]: I think so. It's gluten free at least.

2018-11-05 [Nuktae-tal]: WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU FEED VEGAN SHIT TO MY PUPPY! *Shovels salt and ketschup into the Loaf of Dog*

2018-11-05 [Yuriona]: It's not vegan shit. Its pure carnivore shit I assure you.

2018-11-06 [Pied Crow]: I want to say it's firebreathing, but people keep telling me that bbq sauce isn't hot.

2018-11-06 [Nuktae-tal]: Of course it's not hot. *drinks it like it's Soda Pop and feeds bottles to Load of Loaf*

2018-11-07 [Mortified Penguin]: That's stupid. BBQ sauce isn't hot. See? *splashes boiling BBQ sauce on Yuriona's face, which begins bubbling and melting away*

2018-11-07 [Yuriona]: No, not hot at all. Merely scalding. Good thing I keep spare faces around for just such an occasion. *wipes away sauce and skin*

2018-11-08 [Sagacious Turkey]: THOSE ARE MY FACES, SKANK! I HARVESTED THEM MYSELF! *violently backhands Crow to the floor*

2018-11-08 [Sagacious Turkey]: STOP LAYING AROUND ON THE FLOOR AND GET BACK TO WORK! *violently fronthands Crow back into standing position*

Table 3.7 ordered some meatloaf a few months back and I think they're starting to get impatient. *points at a sobbing family chained to the radiator*

2018-11-08 [Mortified Penguin]: *pistol whips one of the family members with a chainsaw*

Please stop struggling, sir, your chains are really scuffing up my precious radiator.

2018-11-08 [Nuktae-tal]: *cuts loofah puppy in half and serves it on rats backs to family*

2018-11-08 [Pied Crow]: SEE? I didn't have to do ANYTHING.

2018-11-09 [Mortified Penguin]: YEAH, WELL SO'S YOUR FACE! *spits a wad of chewing tobacco in Crow's so-called face*

Huh, I don't even remember chewing any tobacco...

*shrugs and goes back to eating ramen out of an ashtray*

2018-11-10 [Pied Crow]: That is disgusting! Ergo, I am disgusted.

2018-11-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Damn liar, I see that erection. *points at Nuk's raging semi*

2018-11-13 [shadowfire09]: I came just in time for the erections.

It’s like they summoned me

2018-11-13 [Yuriona]: Its an erection bee and no one told me? *pouts*

2018-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: *the erection bee starts violently stinging Misty's face with its "stinger"*

2018-11-14 [Nuktae-tal]: Buzz buzz mother face fuckers! *stings people with my 'stinger' too*

2018-11-14 [Pied Crow]: Aw, man... I wish I had a raging semi-truck...

2018-11-16 [Mortified Penguin]: France had one a couple years ago.

2018-11-17 [Pied Crow]: .................... Hey, now, I might be an unlearned rat, but I can catch references by proxy!

2018-11-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: *drives through the wall in a raging semi-Prius*

2018-11-19 [Mortified Penguin]: That wall was my friend... :(

2018-11-20 [Nuktae-tal]: My raging!!

2018-11-20 [Yuriona]: We can rebuild it! We have the technology!

2018-11-20 [Pied Crow]: Huh? Go away, Turkey-bird, your holiday only exists in family shows! Apparently.

2018-11-21 [Nuktae-tal]: Ham you mean?

2018-11-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Ham was always my favorite holiday as a kid. Broccoli was my least favorite holiday. >:(

2018-11-22 [Pied Crow]: Oops... Is he a sagacious ham now?

2018-11-22 [Sagacious Turkey]: Your mom is a ham! *punches Yuriona into the furnace*

2018-11-22 [Sagacious Turkey]: Today is a special day for self-proclaimed Native Americans like me and Chief Nuk... [Hedda]'s birthday!

2018-11-22 [Mortified Penguin]: MY FURNACE!! Great, now there's gross Yuriona stains all over it...

2018-11-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *hurls Paco into the furnace*

GO CLEAN THOSE STAINS!

*tosses a Windex bottle filled with gasoline in after him*

AND CLEAN THAT WINDEX BOTTLE TOO!

2018-11-22 [Pied Crow]: *laughs at the word "furnace"*

2018-11-22 [Yuriona]: All right! I was wondering how I was gonna thaw out. 8F is damn chilly for November. Gotta get this furnace up to temperature quick! *empties gasoline windex onto Paco*

2018-11-22 [Nuktae-tal]: The fumes are what cause fires... not the liquid! Don't you people know anuthing about seasoning?! *throws in a handful of c4*

2018-11-23 [Pied Crow]: *perches on the semi-Prius*

2018-11-26 [Mortified Penguin]:

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Year 04/05 05/06 06/07 07/08 08/09 09/10 10/11 11/12 12/13 13/14 14/15 15/16 16/17 17/18 18/19 19/20 20/21	Comments 9709 3870 3065 5676 4309 2879 5259 1697 0984 0756 0394 0177 0384 1677 0471 0285 0118	Average 26.6 cpd 10.6 cpd 08.4 cpd 15.5 cpd 11.8 cpd 07.9 cpd 14.4 cpd 04.7 cpd 02.7 cpd 02.1 cpd 01.1 cpd 00.5 cpd 01.1 cpd 04.6 cpd 01.3 cpd 00.8 cpd 00.3 cpd	Total Comments 09709 13579 16644 22320 26666 29545 34804 36501 37484 38240 38634 38839 39223 40900 41371 41656 41774	Total Average 26.6 cpd/9709 cpy 18.6 cpd/6789 cpy 15.2 cpd/5548 cpy 15.3 cpd/5580 cpy 14.6 cpd/5333 cpy 13.5 cpd/4924 cpy 13.6 cpd/4972 cpy 12.5 cpd/4563 cpy 11.4 cpd/4165 cpy 10.5 cpd/3824 cpy 09.6 cpd/3512 cpy 08.9 cpd/3237 cpy 08.3 cpd/3017 cpy 08.0 cpd/2921 cpy 07.6 cpd/2758 cpy 07.1 cpd/2604 cpy 06.7 cpd/2457 cpy